MALAKAI
Part 3 : Malakai is Full of Holes.
Dear Malaki,
Have they visited again? You are full of holes and I wonder for how much longer will you be able to resist. Do you still seek intensity? And when things aren’t impulsive enough, do you still feel the overwhelming dullness of life? Its excruciating boredom?
I’ve known you to be extraordinarily emotional, to be full of feelings that your shaky hands and fast-paced words couldn’t make understandable. Yet I still deeply wanted you, for some reason I became obsessed with the way your cheeks flushed and the way your fingers run across my forearm and as hard as I tried to not think of you as my lifeline, I ended up doing so. And I hate myself for that. For I am my own lifeline and there is no way in life I am ever allowing any person other than myself to be my reason for survival.
You are full of holes, an addict to your old toxic habits that you fight continuously. You are full of holes, deprived from the love and affection of your family. You are full of holes, scarred by the trauma of public humiliation. You are full of holes, and I cannot stand to be with someone like you, I cannot live with someone so poked, for I can barely handle my own shit so how will I handle yours?
I wish I was stronger. I wish I was calm and collected, had my dreams aligned and worked hard to achieve them. I wish I had more to give you. I never met anyone worthier of everything that there is to be given than you.
Despite all your holes, you are magnificent. You carry yourself in such a way that sometimes I can’t even believe that you are real. You have this strength in you that I just can’t understand, it’s unique to all the barriers that you had to overcome, for someone with an easy life could never turn out as fierce as you did. I look at you and I admire this face that could’ve been so easily ravaged by despair and instead it walked out of the fight sane and bright. I don’t know how you did that, I don’t know how you continue to do that, how you continue to stand so tall amidst the horridness that surrounds you. The world must be at awe of you.
Malakai, you are full of holes, and prayers will never fill you nor heal you. Prayers failed us, Malakai. Prayers failed me, and you, and the world set itself on fire and the prayers still failed it.
I am so angry! oh god only if you knew how angry I am! I am angry at this mighty deity that speaks of itself as the one and only, as the absolute of truths, as the creator of it all, as the source of our comfort and heaven knows I’ve never felt any comfort talking to it but the leftovers of rage and deep disappointment.
I’ve seen you pull yourself up, at moments, holier than god, and I cannot after witnessing that believe in anything but the power of human survival.
Prayer failed me, god failed me, but you never did. You are ought to die, but god never will, for you are flesh and blood, and god is just a mere thought.
You are full of holes, and I try to love you, I do, truly, yet I fail to. I cannot love you, nor hate you, I can only stand afar and admire your grandeur.
Malakai, you are a piece of me.
Strangely, time didn’t stop.
